By BW

My
friend recently had to do a persuasive speech for grad school. I tried to
sell her on some political idea like the death penalty. Blah, blah, blah. Ultimately,
she chose something else.

 Today I was on my cell phone out in the great metropolis of Battlefield when my phone dropped my call. I was pissed. The call got dropped as I was saying goodbye. Then I had to call C. back, go through all the obligatory small talk that starts every phone call, just to say "oh, my phone dropped the call, bye". It seemed pointless.

Then it hit me, we should have just been texting. It wasn’t like we were having some great in depth discussion. It was about Walmart, drinking, throwing up you know, the normal cell phone chat. It was nothing that couldn’t have been texted.

So, it was then I decided to give a persuasive speech on why we should just text each other and not talk anymore. So here goes. (This is sort of an outline, not the real speech. I may have plenty of time to do pointless things, but transcribing a speech for the hell of it is even below me.)

First of all, there is too much superfluous chit chat. Cell phone companies make billions of dollars on us saying nothing. Things like "Hey, how’s it going?", "Alright you take careok, you tooalright talk to you laterok, bye". We fill half our conversation with nothing. Do we do this as filler or do we really care? Maybe we just don’t know any better. I might be the only on this, but I hate that unnecessary shit. Cell phone companies make billions on this sh*t. A quick search showed that about 500 minutes is about $39.99 for talking. You figure half of that is fat. Cut the fat and you have 250 minutes for 40 bucks. What a freaking rip off! An unlimited data and text plan is only $44. With that you can read my blog and chat to all your friends in a more efficient manner.

Second, you can’t really text while driving down the road. I know
this because I’ve tried it. You end up all over the road. The funny
thing is that stupid people still end up all over the road while trying
to talk on their cell phones. Sure you can get some headset and look
like a mix between some Robocop cyborg and some LA be-otch soccer mom,
but how cool is that? If you think about it in a logical manner, it’s a
no-brainer. Just leave the phone alone while in the car. Driving is the
perfect time to listen to new music. We could all use more good new
music. Also, I’m always checking out people when I’m stopped at
stoplights. If I see you on some retarded ear piece, I’m going to think
you’re an idiot and I’m going to swerve my car and hit you then blame
you for being on your cell phone.

Finally, too many people call me. I left my cell phone at home by
accident the other day. When I got home I had 14 new messages. I felt
like that scene in Zoolander when he wakes up after a week and has
"twelve.hundred new messages". Really, I could have gone without most
of them. I saw you called on my caller ID. I’m going to call you back
if I feel like it. Why waste my time in hearing "you have 14 new
messages.first new messagesent today, at 9:15 am" and on and on. A
quick text message would have done the same job and saved me time.
Sure, you’re thinking I’ve overlooked your valuable time and how long
it takes to type a message. Well, there are solutions to this. You can
by a  keyboard phone or you can program pretyped texts like "call me".
It’s quicker than waiting for the call to connect, listening to 16
rings then waiting for some robot lady to say I’m not available.

So, that’s my persuasive speech. My friend could have used that for
her class. I think it would have probably gotten her a B, but B doesn’t
always stand for bad. Plus, sometimes being a b*tch is worth a lot more
than getting an A.